Johann Hari is famously quoted as saying “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety; it’s connection. I’m a big believer that connection makes all the difference when trying to overcome pornography. There is a phrase that says “porn is not the problem; connection is.” Pornography viewing is not a team sport. Most of the time it’s done in isolation away in the darkness of one’s room or in a basement office with the viewer anxious of being caught. Therefore, I believe that true recovery is the opposite of that. It’s through embracing the light of openness, connection, and active honesty and accountability that true change will occur. 

The challenge is that there is a lot of fear when it comes to opening up about one’s struggles with pornography. Largely speaking, sex is a fairly taboo subject (which is likely why society is obsessed with it.) Mixing that taboo-ness with the general vulnerability we as humans feel when we must ask for help is extremely anxiety and shame producing. Far too many individuals struggling don’t ask for help for a number of reasons. They feel like it isn’t that big of an issue or they feel like they’ll eventually be able to get a hold of it on their own. More than one client has expressed the feeling that if they could get enough distance between them and their pornography use then ultimately they wouldn’t need to ask for help. 

But there’s the issue. Because they lack connection and the ability to ask for help when they need it, they end up falling back into pornography use. For a wound to heal it needs some fresh air and maybe even some time in the sun. The equivalent to that is frequent openness and honesty with supporting loved ones about struggles with pornography. 

A Test of Willingness

There’s a lot of challenging parts to recovery, but one of the most difficult is telling someone about it--which is why so many never do! You may be afraid you will disappoint someone. You are afraid of burdening a loved one with a weight you “should” be able to lift on your own. Frankly speaking, there can be definite consequences to speaking up such as anger from others, loss of trust, and in some cases, losing someone altogether. 

But whatever the reason for the difficulty to speak up, it doesn’t diminish the importance of doing so if you are serious about changing. That’s why we talked about willingness in the last chapter. A person who sees no reason to change and is unwilling to do anything different. has no need to speak up, so they won’t. In fact, they’ll lie through their teeth about it so long as it lets them continue.

A half-hearted person reluctantly opens up, or may willingly open up, but holds back. They want to keep the escape hatch open. 

Once again, the goal is wholehearted change, which means not holding back. Is it still hard to speak up? You bet. But a wholehearted person cares less about what others think and more about the strength others can give them as they are more open.