As you seek to ask for what you need, don't be surprised if you start to pick up on the needs of others. In order to be more effective in this department, you need to learn how to listen.

I believe that empathy for others is one of the first and most major casualties of pornography usage. Viewing pornography is inherently is very self-serving, and selfish in nature. It is not done with the intent to show love or to reciprocate connection as is done in a healthy relationship, but serves the purpose to fill ones own lust and desire. The viewer is focused on what it is doing for them, not on who may be hurt as a result of their viewing be it a spouse, children, or even those who are slaves to the industry. Can you see how this can begin to erode one's sense of empathy and compassion for others?

The challenge is--going back to Day 1--when we are seeing through a distorted lens, we may think there is no issue. We gauge our empathy is higher than it likely truly is. In fact, I believe most of us aren't as empathetic as we could or should be regardless of whether or not we look at pornography!

I believe that there is no more important relationship skill than empathetic listening. We are all guilty of listening to respond rather than truly listening to understand. Listening to understand means being very thoughtful with what information is shared with us, sitting with that information for a moment, seeking clarification if necessary, and reflecting back what we heard in a way that lets the other person know we truly heard them. Listening is the foundation for finding common ground, clarifying misunderstandings, and resolving conflict. When we fail at listening, our relationships are bound to suffer. During my time at ScenicView Academy, I developed a tool to remind those I taught how to improve their listening using the acronym LEARN:

L: Look at the other person and make eye contact to show you are paying attention. 

• My kids have taught me a great deal about listening being more than hearing. There's been more times than I can count when I have been busy doing something, and I'll have one of my children run up with something to tell me. "Dad! Dad!" They'll say, and while I continue about my task, I'll say, "I'm listening. What is it?" However, they aren't content with just my ears; they wait for my eyes. It's not uncommon to have them grab my face and turn it toward them. At an extremely young age kids seem know that it's not truly possible to multi-task listening.
• It can be easy to think we can split our attention between two activities such as listening to a person and doing things on our phone. But true listening requires our full attention. A key way we show others we are listening to what they are saying is through looking at them while they are speaking.

E: Engage through supportive body language and sub language (leaning forward, nodding, using touch appropriate for the relationship, mirroring their body language, etc.)  

• True listening is more than just ears, and it's also more than just looking at a person. It's finding ways to engage our whole selves in the process. We do this through turning to look at the person, nodding, potentially leaning in, and using sublanguage--sounds that reflect an understanding or at least general engagement in what's being said.

A: ASK questions periodically to help you seek additional meaning and understanding.  

• Even if we think we understand everything being told to us, asking occasional questions ensures we are seeing the other persons perspective clearly. Asking questions opens the door for more details to be shared which may be important to the conversation. Questions also let the other person know we are interested in what they are sharing with us.

R: Reflect back their thoughts and feelings in your own words. Give a supportive statement such as “I’m so sorry,” “Is there anything I can do to help?” “You must be feeling _____. Is that right?” and “That seems very difficult.”  

• As we take in the information shared with us, reflecting back what they said is a key way to let them know we understand them. It’s also an important opportunity to show empathy for what they are feeling, even if we don’t completely understand what they are going through.

N: Note  what they shared with you so you can follow-up with them on that information in the future.   

• As others share information with us, it’s important we take mental notes regarding what they shared with us. For instance, if a friend tells you about something he or she is planning to do over the weekend, you could ask them how it went the next time you see them. This lets your friend know you valued your conversation with them.