When you are serious about recovery, relapses can feel extremely frustrating because of the shame that comes along. You feel disappointed in yourself, and you may also have others who express disappointment in you as well. You start beating  yourself up for our inability to change, feeling like you will always be stuck. 

While a little guilt is good and can motivate you to change, it’s important to see relapse as a learning opportunity and a stepping stone to eventual total and enduring success. A relapse doesn’t mean you’re starting over. That’s like saying you must destroy the rest of the car and buy a new car when you get a flat. Just because you get a game over doesn’t mean all the progress you’ve gained up to that point is gone. 

Begin to see relapses as valuable moments of learning wherein you can get insight regarding  how to fortify weak areas. Here are 5 rules to follow each relapse to help you turn your relapses into  valuable learning experiences.  

RECORD IT. 

On a piece of paper--ideally in a journal, write down what happened. As you look back, take a close look at how your REPS & FADS were impacted leading up to the relapse. Take a look at your REPS & FADS through the lens of the 5 S’s:

• Surroundings: In what ways was my situation dangerous? Where were others when I was  relapsing? Did I have filters or other guards in place? 
• State: How was I feeling leading up to the relapse? Was I bored, lonely, tired, stressed, etc.? How was your emotional, physical, and spiritual health? 
• Soloing: How was I trying to “go it alone” prior to the relapse? In what ways did I disconnect from others that likely contributed to my relapse? 
• Self-talk: What was my self-talk leading up to the relapse? In what ways did I rationalize or justify my behavior? What role did shame play in how I spoke to myself?  
• Scheming: How have I been prepping myself and planning to be able to look at pornography? In what ways did I try to stumble onto pornography or to make this an “accident”? How was I allowing fantasizing to guide and encourage scheming?

REWRITE IT. 

If you could do the experience over, what should you have done differently? This isn’t to  shame you, but to help you learn from the process and to help you rewire how you think. As you see where  you went wrong, it’s important you identify what you need to do the next time so that you don’t make the  same mistake over and over. 

✏ Think about a recent relapse. How would you rewrite the situation?

REPORT IT. 

Within 24 hours, you need to share with your accountability partner what happened and  how you intend to rewrite it next time. It is imperative you stick to the 24-hour rule. The longer you wait,  the harder it will be to not talk about it causing you to forget details and put off talking about it altogether.  Technically, 24-hours is a very generous amount of time and the further you are in your recovery and  repentance, the less and less time you should need to report it with the ultimate goal that you no longer  have anything to report because you spoke with your accountability partner before anything could  happen.  

✏ Who can you report a relapse to that will both support you and help hold you accountable?

RELEASE IT. 

Don’t beat yourself up about the experience time and time again. Yes, guilt is important  to change, but constantly berating yourself for your mistake leads to shame which causes feelings of  worthlessness and subsequent hopelessness. You made a mistake, but you are not the mistake. Glean the  lessons you need from it so that it helps you to change, and then let it go. 

✏ How do you do at letting go of relapses after you’ve made a mistake? 

RESUME. 

Continue on the path you started. Sometimes those who relapse discuss it as starting over as  though all progress and growth up to that point had been lost. Yes, there needs to be some re-adjusting,  but the key is to remember the progress you have made, the things you have learned, and to resume your course toward being whole. When you get a Game Over in the Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, it gives you the option to quit or “Continue Adventuring.” Always, always, always, continue adventuring.

✏ What does it mean to you to “Resume” after a relapse?