When I start working with a client trying to quit pornography, I get a glimpse of the version of themselves when they were first introduced to porn. Typically, it’s around ages 10, 11 or 12. Sometimes it’s older; unfortunately, more and more, it’s far younger. Clients come in having been stuck for years (sometimes multiple decades) and they come feeling some form of pain. Sometimes, they feel forced to come because a spouse or other loved one has threatened them: if they don’t do something to change, the relationship is over. Others come because they are tired of the guilt and shame that pornography use brings. They don’t want porn to be a part of their lives anymore. 

Regardless of their current age when they come to visit, I see them momentarily as the young version of themselves that stumbled innocently onto something that would grab them and hold them captive for a fairly big chunk of their lives. And I try to help them find a little bit of compassion for themselves. Yes, they will need to take responsibility for their actions and the consequences that came as a result of ongoing viewing. But first, I want them to have a little empathy for themselves and the situation they have found themselves in. They never intended to be where they are, so deeply entrenched in shame and unhealthy obsession.

The truth is, at the time of exposure, they were simply being the normal, curious, easily aroused–even healthy–human beings God made them to be. They weren’t looking at pornography because they were “perverts”, they were looking at pornography because they were human. And with that innocent exposure to porn came a rush of pretty good and very normal, God-given feelings (the same feelings that perpetuate our species.)

But then there came a second time, and a third, and a fourth, brewing in their mind more and more. Porn became a means to deal with uncomfortable feelings. They became obsessed with getting more. That’s because pornography provided them nearly instant relief from stress and emotional discomfort. It provided a form of connection during an awkward time of life when connection is sometimes painfully difficult. It seemed to satiate curiosity (even if, in reality, it only caused more questions.)

On and on, a cycle was perpetuated until it became a compulsive dependency–an easy escape to deal with the challenges of life. While some could come and go with porn and not be affected, individuals like my clients–and potentially like you–found porn to be more hypnotizing and more difficult to escape (similar to how drinking is a non-issue for some and extremely addictive to others). I have yet to meet someone who comes to get help with pornography who intended to get as stuck as they are. 

The result I have seen is what I call “soul-splitting”. This is where an individual seems to have two parts–a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It’s like the creature Gollum from Lord of the Rings who started out as mild-mannered Smeagle. Because of the influence of an evil token known as the “ring of power”, Smeagle experienced a “soul-split”, developing a part of himself totally out of line with his personal values. The two parts of him are frequently arguing or debating their choices and unfortunately, the worst part of him often wins out. Many individuals I have worked with describe the same kind of feelings–an internal argument between their better-self and their shame-filled, pornography-focused self.

The point in sharing this with you is to help you start challenging the inevitable shame that comes with a dependency on porn. You are not a bad person. You are not a pervert. You are a normal human being with normal curiosity and normal arousal who became stuck and obsessed by the allure and fascination of pornography. Yes, there are amends to make and dues to pay, but let’s get one thing clear. You are not your mistakes. 

✏ Reflect. How old were you when you were first introduced to pornography? How did normal curiosity and healthy arousal turn into what you are dealing with now?