Before we get too far, I want to make mention here that you will see the term “pornography dependency” more than you see “pornography addiction” in this book. In my opinion, the word ‘addiction’ is thrown around too haphazardly and can cause a lot of feelings of helplessness when an individual is trying to change. When a person has the mindset “once an addict, always an addict”, they begin to feel that they can’t do anything about it. However, I believe that when it comes to not engaging with pornography, there absolutely are things you can do about it.

In my opinion, the term ‘addiction’ suggests deep illness which, in my experience, doesn’t describe many of the clients seeking help. They are fairly functional adults working and having fairly meaningful relationships–but they can’t shake the connection to pornography they developed at a young age. They depend on turning to pornography as a means of getting through the stressors and pressure of life, but for the most part, they are still doing okay and are for the most part, in the comparative scheme of things, pretty healthy. They are faithful to their spouses, they still have healthy hobbies they are turning to pretty frequently, and with some help and guidance to manage their lives in a better way, will eventually be successful in no longer turning to pornography. In other words, they have an illness, but it serves more like a sinus infection or a recurring stomach ache which needs attention but isn’t “life threatening.” These are individuals who are “pornography dependent.” 

I have had some clients, however, who I fully consider to be addicts. When they reach this stage, it’s generally broader than just a daily compulsion to view pornography and includes an addiction to some form of sexually acting out. While pornography dependence sounds like, “When I feel stressed, I turn to porn and do so once a week or less,” pornography/sex addiction sounds like, “I turn to pornography to start and end my day and often throughout. I can’t fall asleep without porn and some sort of sexual act to go along with it. Oh, and, don’t tell my wife. She said if she found out if I was doing this again, we’d be done. This is the third time she’s said that, and I think she’s serious this time. And definitely don’t tell her about the people I’ve been chatting with or the money I’ve spent on it.” They are lying, being actively secretive, and even gaslighting others in order to protect their addiction. Continuing with the medical analogy, these individuals have a dangerous type of cancer that will destroy their life unless they make drastic changes and get specialized help. 

Both have unhealthy emotional behaviors attached to them–but addiction takes things to a whole new level. Dependency and addiction are like two rivers that are similar in shape and scope, except the addiction river is like a river after a major flash flood–super muddy and full of debris (like lying, secrecy, manipulation, gaslighting, etc.). Both will take some effort if you want to redirect them, but the extra debris can make it more unwieldy and difficult to deal with. 

Here’s some of the key differences I’ve seen: 

• A person who is pornography dependent may lie about their pornography use, but it’s usually out of shame and as a means of protecting themselves and out of a fear of losing connection. A person who is a sex addict is often lying and hiding sexual behaviors out a fear of losing the behavior–something they aren’t ready to give up yet. They like having it to turn to and will lie and gaslight to keep it. 
• A person who is pornography dependent generally has less-frequent, less intense viewing than a person who is a sex addict. The pornography dependency person is viewing porn a couple of times a week or less, while a person who is a sex addict is acting out in some capacity (viewing porn, engaging in unhealthy sexual activity, or spending an inordinate amount of time fantasizing about sex/porn daily or multiple times a day.) Sometimes the addict can have longer stretches–no issues during a week or two, but they will inevitably fall back and fall back hard. In other words, they are more “on” to it than they are off.
• When it comes to more of an addiction, turning to sexual material or sexually acting out has taken priority and everything else is just means to an end. 
• Both dependence and addiction have a certain level of compulsion and are often triggered as an unhealthy coping to life’s stressors, but addiction has additional pathological behaviors that go with it (secrets, gaslighting, manipulation, etc.)

This book is more specifically designed for those with pornography dependency. Of course, persons with more addictive behaviors can benefit from it, but if you’re into addiction territory, you may find that this book is only cough syrup when what you need is chemotherapy. 

In the next section, I’ll share some assessment materials to help you determine where you’re at when it comes to whether you are dependent or addicted. 

You may also notice I don’t use the term “sobriety” in this guidebook because I feel the term to be fairly ambiguous when it comes to someone overcoming pornography. There’s a fairly clear-cut line for sobriety with someone who is addicted to alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs because the individual has a substance they are abstaining from. 

While a person may “abstain” from pornography by not viewing anything, the goal is not necessarily to abstain from sex altogether but instead to have a healthy relationship with it. A healthy person has sexual thoughts, they just don’t dwell there too long or put an inordinate amount of energy into it.  A healthy person has sexual attraction and sexual feelings towards others, they just don’t let it dominate all aspects of their life. In other words, there is not a black and white line of what sobriety means or what abstinence means in this arena. Therefore, it’s important not to get too tripped up on whether or not you are “sober,” but instead to work towards identifying what a healthy balance means when it comes to sexual thoughts and feelings.