I start this toolbox with a simple statement: I get you. Not perfectly, because your journey is your own, but I find with a good portion of the clients I work with that I relate all too well with their story because their story has been similar to mine. 

I say this hesitantly as any therapist should when it comes to self-disclosure. I share some of my own story  here not because I want you to view me as  someone who knows the path perfectly, but because I want you to see me as a fellow traveler that can mourn with you,  empathize with you, and provide  some helpful tips for the road  ahead. Ultimately, your journey is your own, but I hope sharing my story helps you to feel a little less lonely. 

Most of us who fell into pornography never intended to fall so deeply. We were young pre-teens (or even kids) who, through natural curiosity and natural arousal, discovered pornography and we found ourselves instantly hooked. Whether it was through a friend or family member introducing us or through an innocent internet search, what we saw latched onto us in a way we never could have anticipated. While others seemed to be able to come and go with porn, we found it to be something we started to crave. In time, we found that we couldn’t escape it,

But the truth is, at the time of that first exposure, we were simply being the normal, curious, easily-aroused, even healthy human beings God made us  to be. We weren’t looking at pornography because we are  “perverted;” we were looking at pornography because we are human. And with that innocent exposure to porn came a rush of pretty good and very normal, God-given feelings (the same feelings that perpetuate our species.)

If this toolbox is meant to do anything, first and foremost it is meant to give you hope. It’s to normalize and help you to see that you are not your mistakes. You are not a bad person. You are not a pervert. You are a normal human being with normal curiosity and normal arousal who became stuck and obsessed by the allure and fascination of pornography. Initially, healthy sexual feelings became an unhealthy obsession and an unhealthy way to cope with the stressors of life.  There are consequences because of how big of an issue you have allowed it to become in your life and that is why a toolbox like this is valuable. You’ve got to start untangling the mess you’re in and that will take a fair amount of work. But let’s get one thing clear: you are not that mess. You are not your mistakes. 

Throughout this toolbox, I will share with you some of my own story of having been one who fell into porn at an early age and unintentionally allowed it to consume my thoughts, feelings, and time. While there are many components that helped me to get where I am today–a guide who helps others on their path–there’s one big piece that stands out: I knew I was made for more than a life centered on pornography. Throughout it all, what has moved me forward is an underlying sense of my ultimate potential–knowing that if I could rid my life of the barriers that pornography laid before me, that nothing could keep me from being the best version of myself. 

Sometimes, I beat myself up when I approached that mindset from a place of shame (“You’re such a disappointment. How could you?” or “You’re better than this. God is so disappointed in you, so why try?”) But ultimately, I have been able to see through the lies and recognize that I am not my mistakes. I am not a bad person. I may do things that are disappointing and not aligned with my values, but I am not a disappointment. I am a fallible human prone to make mistakes. I am also the beloved child of a gracious God who is my number one fan and who provides an innumerable amount of restarts. Thankfully, these beliefs have been fueled by a positive support system of loving parents, friends, and religious leaders.

That is what I want you to see in yourself–that the innocent version of you who stumbled into pornography and made mistakes of a sexual nature is not defined by your mistakes. The innocent version of you is still in there and your value is not and never will be lessened by pornography or any other mistakes. From a perspective of potential and hope, I want to say to you that you were made for more than to spend your time and effort watching pornography or acting out sexually. You were also made for more than to wallow in shame and to beat yourself up with an overabundance of guilt. I want you to feel all the hope in the world that you can and will achieve the best version of yourself. Thank you for letting me be a fellow traveler on your journey there.